-Thursday, August 18, 2005-
Love... Friend or Foe?
I'm listening to MYMP songs, 'Tell me where it hurts' just finished and 'Sa Kanya' is currently playing. And now I'm asking myself... How come every time I tell myself, "Now I'm moving on! I'm ready to let go." There's always something that stops me...? "a certain situation, a letter, a word he'll say, a thing he'll do... an answer to a simple question."
If I was younger, I'd thought of it as 'signs'. Signs that I 'SHOULD NOT' let go, that I have to fight, that it's a 'sign' from God telling me that it's not yet time to let go, that I have to try ONE LAST TIME. But now that I'm older and I'd like to assume wiser, I think the reason that I actually see these 'signs' is because I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to give up, to move on. I still have the need to hold on to something, something that gives me the strength to continue living, to face the world each day, probably something that will make me feel I'm still alive. I need to feel these emotions, even if I'm hurting, suffering maybe, it doesn't matter that much to me, as long as I feel something. It's always better than to feel nothing at all.
So why the heck do I keep on saying that I'm ready to let go? And say that I've already fallen out of love? Because there are times when I get tired and when I say that I'm not in love with him anymore, I think it's only an excuse to convince myself and others so I can 'put my heart to rest'... then after a while I'd realize that I'm still not over him. It's just a cycle.
I'm one of those people who take (almost) a life time to get over a star-crossed love affair. I'm 20 and I've been in love (the real thing) twice.. most people especially fader dir, think it's quite 'atypical' for someone my age to only experience love twice and to be "NOT-taken" at this 'period' of my life... I've been in & out of relationships that at a certain point of my life, I decided to say 'stop'. At first I thought being in a new relationship will help me forget the past, but then I learned that it will only get things worst, cause I won't be lying only to myself but also to that other person, who actually loves me. *damned guilt!* As Marzia always say, "it's better to be alone than to lie to yourself".
I'm tired. I'm hurting. And I can't let go. Not yet.
signed,
who deemed @ 8:20 PM
-Wednesday, August 17, 2005-
Book Updates
On Veronika decides to die, I'm on page 10, haven't really had time to read it.. cause a friend downloaded an audio book (John Grisham's The Testament) it's 11 hours, (almost 12 really) long, and in 2 days I've reached chapter 11.
Audio Books and e-books are her new addictions.. hehe..
she passed me:
e-books such as:
"harry potter and the half-blood prince",
"complete idiot's guide to playing the guitar"
and some of her favourite internet stuffs..
audio books:
-sun tzu "the art of war"
-tom clancy "debt of honor"
-anne rice "the vampire lestat" (i'm doubting the title tho)
-to kill a mocking bird
-the da vinci code
-100 ways to motivate yourself
-and a 20 hrs. (more or less) accelerated learning of the spanish language
moving on, in less than a month we'll be going back to school.. I ain't really feeling it thou, you know Marzia won't probably be there 'cause she has to take care of her baby "Gabry",
2 of our former classmates didn't pass the finals and had to repeat the year, My cousin moved to the same school, Asmae, Mario, Prof. Sara, Prof. Bellora.. aaaahhh.. now i'm feeling the anxiety...
SIDE-DISH:
'Is it a crime to fall out of love?' asks Jim. 'When we said we loved each other I'm pretty sure we meant it. But weren't we talking about how we felt right at that moment? Is it the kind of thing you can predict? Isn't it a little bit random? Chemistry mixed up with the unknown? How could we know that we'd always feel the same way about each other? Doesn't having to love take away the incentive to love voluntarily? Is it better that we put up with each other because we promised to do so rather than cut ourselves free so we can love people we want to love rather than love out of a sense of obligation?' Jim pauses and laughs. 'Am I asking a lot of questions? Or is this just me?'
'I don't know the answer to any of them,' I tell him. 'I don't think anyone does. I think that's why love is what it is: the most complicated, intense and indefinable emotion. And yet without it... well, life wouldn't really be worth living, would it?'
-conversation of Jim and Alison (on Mike Gayle's His 'n' Hers)
signed,
who deemed @ 5:47 PM
-Tuesday, August 16, 2005-
Crappy Week
yeah... gee... My cousin's fader-in-law (w/c is also my ninang's brother) died a few days ago..
'la lang... share ko lang.. pra dumami ang mag-pray for his soul.. =)
anyway, that neocounter thingy, I saw it on reena's blog a couple of days ago.. so I decided to get one for my blog.. tho I'm not sure how that thingy works.. hehe..
Un lang muna.. am not really in the mood to blog eh.. tata!
signed,
who deemed @ 11:50 PM
-Saturday, August 13, 2005-
'la lang..
SHOUT OUT:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to AIZA D!
signed,
who deemed @ 11:05 PM
-Thursday, August 11, 2005-
TFC
I know, I know.. pretty lame for a title... it's just that tomorrow ikaka-bit na (finally!) ang TFC namen... like what asmae said, "what's the big deal?", most of you are probably asking the same question... the thing is for some one who was raised and lived 12 long years of her life in d Pilipins, TFC means a lot.. haha.. I mean for five long years, I haven't watch a single tagalog show... it's weird but imma bit excited... haha... damn, am I mental..
Anyway, My summer ended a couple of hours ago, when Liliana picked her plane ticket to Ecuador, It means that we're not going to France anymore... lahat ng trains, puno na until 27th of september... sighs..
signed,
who deemed @ 9:25 PM
-Saturday, August 06, 2005-
I Cry Alone
Last night or better yet this morning 'round 3:16 , I found myself sitting at the edge of my bed with my back against the wall, hugging one of my pillows and my iPod at maximum volume when I suddenly realized that I was crying... then it hit me...For the past 4 yrs. I've been crying all by myself, and it hurts, it hurts in a way that I cannot explain.
Around 4 a.m., an idea entered my mind.. It's time to let go, to let go of my past, let go of my memories, it's time to let them go...
I know, most of you are probably thinking that I'm the most immature 20 year old person you know, you might think it's childish.. but this IS ME!
Have you had that feeling you get every time you go out on a date and when you reach home and sit beside the phone waiting patiently yet with that certain feeling of exhilaration, for your date's call, to tell you they got home safe and how they had so much fun with you? That's how I've been feeling except that I wasn't waiting for a phone call from a date, I was waiting for letters (SMS, if you will) from the friends I had back in the Pilipins. (I'm not saying I haven't received any letters... but 2 letters from 2 different people in 4 years is not really what I call having a communication) *Thanks to Ebet & Kuya Jai, really appreciate it!*
I think, the truth is, now they have their own new lives, and that life does not include me.
No, I'm not alone but still I feel so lonely...
signed,
who deemed @ 10:46 PM
-Wednesday, August 03, 2005-
OSTs of My High School Life & I Introduce You All To POOCHIE
Last night I was trying to clean my things.. (since in less than a month, I'd be going back to school) and while taking care of my CDs I found 2 of Allen's voice tapes (okei, it's not a CD... I got it.. hehe) and 3 CDs labeled "OSTs of My High School Life", if my memory serves me right these CDs were given to me by Angela*, she's the first friend I met when I moved here.. and probably also the most tortured.. haha! She had to put up with me and my endless stories about my (and other people's) high school life.. so I guess that's the reason why before leaving for Netherlands she gave me these CDs...
*angela- my first friend since I moved here and after a year left with her father and younger bros. to live in Netherlands. I don't know where she is now and how she is... we lost communication five months after she left, the last thing I heard from her is that her dad decided to give her and her 2 bros. for adoption..
Here's a list of the songs saved in one of those CDs.. with who's theme song it is.. (wow, I can't believe how Angela remembered all their names and all their stories!)
And since I'm pretty sure that nobody from my high school life is actually wasting their time reading my rantings blog, I think it'll be okei to write which songs applied to who... and if by any chance one of them accidentally gets here... don't get mad, aite? hehe..
-forevermore (Side A) = mami ianne & kuya jai
-ako'y sayo at ika'y akin (iaxe?) = mami ianne & kuya jai
-kasalanan ko ba? (Neocolours) = zhel to Sylvester
-sometimes (Britney Spears) = lhen to jun
-so little time (Arkarna) = nene & uwa
-if ever you're in my arms again (Peabo Bryson?) = lhen to kuya paoie
-one last cry (Brian McKnight) = haha! everybody's! (hahaha!)
-I do (98°) = *blank* (I dunno why this has no names)
-hardest thing (98°) = din
-I love you, goodbye (Whitney Houston?) = everybody's
-harana (Parokya ni Edgar) = jun (a different jun) to ate ivy
-I think I'm in love (Lea Salongga, tama ba spelling?! Hehe!) = lhen & jun (there's a story*)
-sayang (Parokya ni Edgar) = hahaha ! ur memories girl, ur memories**
-song 2 (Blur) = nene & uwa
-girl I'm gonna get you (The Moffatts) = ebet to arbi
-sway (Bic... uuummm.. I don't remember… hhhmmm.. ) = best friends fave***
-grow old with you (Adam Sandler) = best friends fave
*as told to me: lhen and jun were in a tricycle and then they just begun singing "I think I'm in love, I think I'm in love with you..." then came the sparkles!
**she said it was my song... but to be honest.. I have no idea... I don't remember.. it's been so long..
***back then.. waaayyy back.. most people thought ebet and I were best friends, actually even I thought we were... hhmm.. but I guess it was just me..
---oOo---
And still last night while I was checking on my old e-mail account and I found an e-mail of 2 months ago, so I guess it's only right to introduce you people to poochie... poochie is my beloved, overly used portable... she (yeah, she!) turned 1 last june 27, I'm not a freak, I remember coz that's the exact day of my tita zeny's bday..
**click on the image for a better "view", haha!"
signed,
who deemed @ 11:50 PM
Previous Postings 
01.2004
Phearly. -Bonne Nuit Y Dolces Suenyos''
