-Thursday, August 18, 2005- Love... Friend or Foe?

I'm listening to MYMP songs, 'Tell me where it hurts' just finished and 'Sa Kanya' is currently playing. And now I'm asking myself... How come every time I tell myself, "Now I'm moving on! I'm ready to let go." There's always something that stops me...? "a certain situation, a letter, a word he'll say, a thing he'll do... an answer to a simple question."

If I was younger, I'd thought of it as 'signs'. Signs that I 'SHOULD NOT' let go, that I have to fight, that it's a 'sign' from God telling me that it's not yet time to let go, that I have to try ONE LAST TIME. But now that I'm older and I'd like to assume wiser, I think the reason that I actually see these 'signs' is because I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to give up, to move on. I still have the need to hold on to something, something that gives me the strength to continue living, to face the world each day, probably something that will make me feel I'm still alive. I need to feel these emotions, even if I'm hurting, suffering maybe, it doesn't matter that much to me, as long as I feel something. It's always better than to feel nothing at all.

So why the heck do I keep on saying that I'm ready to let go? And say that I've already fallen out of love? Because there are times when I get tired and when I say that I'm not in love with him anymore, I think it's only an excuse to convince myself and others so I can 'put my heart to rest'... then after a while I'd realize that I'm still not over him. It's just a cycle.

I'm one of those people who take (almost) a life time to get over a star-crossed love affair. I'm 20 and I've been in love (the real thing) twice.. most people especially fader dir, think it's quite 'atypical' for someone my age to only experience love twice and to be "NOT-taken" at this 'period' of my life... I've been in & out of relationships that at a certain point of my life, I decided to say 'stop'. At first I thought being in a new relationship will help me forget the past, but then I learned that it will only get things worst, cause I won't be lying only to myself but also to that other person, who actually loves me. *damned guilt!* As Marzia always say, "it's better to be alone than to lie to yourself".


I'm tired. I'm hurting. And I can't let go. Not yet.

signed,
who deemed @ 8:20 PM

1 rants and raves:

whisper to my ears

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