[ *pessimist addiction* ]

-Friday, September 15, 2006- Just this once.

I want to breakdown and cry.

I really do. I want to lose myself. Just this once.

I don't know how it feels losing one's self, how it feels to breakdown and cry. I never had the "chance" to experience that. Not when they decided it was better for me to grow up in Laguna with my mother's sister and her family, not when they told me I was an only child and years later found out I have 7 older siblings, not when I had my heart broken, not when I was not able to attend my own graduation, not when they told me I had to leave Laguna, my friends and the life I've been living for the last 12 years, not when I had my heart broken the second time, not when I lost my best friend and not even at funerals. And just this once I'd like to breakdown and cry my heart out.

Just this once, I don't want someone who'll tell me not to worry and that everything's alright.. 'cause everything is NOT alright! I want someone who'll just sit beside me, someone who'll just listen to me while I blatter and rant. And yes, maybe someone who'd even cry with me. I don't want someone telling me to be strong. Just this once, I don't want to be strong.

I've been strong my entire life. Or atleast, trying to be. Everyone's telling me to be strong for everyone else. I know that most people surrounding me take their strength from me, thinking that if I can deal with it then they can too or if they can't, they know they have my hands to guide them or my shoulder to cry on. And I'm okei with that. I actually like the idea. Glad to be of help, as most people would put it. I'm not the type who would just cry that easily, anyway.

But lately, I don't know for what reason, I suddenly feel the urge to just breakdown and cry. I'm not asking for the moon or the sky.. I'm not even asking for a million ~~dollars~~ euro. I'm 22, dammit! Don't I have the right to lose myself, just like everyone? Just this once, without having people telling me that I should be strong, that I should not cry, that I should look at the brighter side, that time would come when everything will be better... so forth and so on.

I still don't know what its like to breakdown.
How exactly do you that?... Lose yourself?

Breakingdown... ahhh.. breakingdown... The ups & downs, the pros & contros, the why & why not, the right & wrong, the real way to do it...
Could someone teach me how?

I'm getting tired of this.

I'm getting tired of what people say. Because, for your information, nothing actually got better, I still don't know where the brighter side is and I still don't know what it's like to breakdown. I'm tired of those people who keep on saying that "I should just let go" and that "the right person for me will come".

I'm not waiting for the "right person", that's just not me. And yes, I don't want to "waste" my time waiting for someone that may or may not come. I don't believe in courtship, just like I don't believe in love at first sight.

I just want to find someone who would tell me, where the brighter side is? And when will everything be better?

I'm not looking for someone in a romantic way... really. I don't even want anything romantic at this moment of my life. My life is still too messy for anything that's even close to "romantic". And I still can't figure how in a city so crowded, in a place where I'm surrounded by other human beings, I could still feel so lonely. Yes, I am lonely and I don't feel any shame nor having a hard time on admitting or accepting that reality.

Pathetic as it may sound.. I'm still looking for my "home".
If only someone could tell me how exactly do you just let go of anything... or anyone.

edited on Sept. 23, 2006. To listen to the entry's BG music, please click here.

signed,

who deemed @ 1:45 PM

16 rants and raves:

Anonymous whispered at Friday, September 15, 2006 2:29:00 AM

malapit na... maybe sa or after oct. 07 you may finally get the chance to "lose yourself"... just don't give up yet.. one day... you'll know...

Anonymous whispered at Friday, September 15, 2006 4:18:00 AM

(basilisk sitting beside jehraldyn saying nothing) :( "i can feel you"

Anonymous whispered at Saturday, September 16, 2006 1:37:00 PM

heyyy heyyy heyyy... wag mong isuko ang laban...maga pagsubok lamang yan.. kaya mo yannnn...

laro na lang muna tayo ng volleyball hehhe

Dindin whispered at Sunday, September 17, 2006 12:01:00 AM

ANNE... awww... care to fly? please? =)

BASILISK and din-din thanks you.. =)

Dindin whispered at Sunday, September 17, 2006 12:04:00 AM

JOCHIE sister... mabuti pa mag-tig-isa na lang tayo ng redhorse... *cheers*
ooooppppssss... underage ka pa... hahaha! sige, patago na lang.. ssshhh

RHO-ANNE aaaawww.. sis... thanks po...
"A hug a day, keeps the blues away"

Anonymous whispered at Sunday, September 17, 2006 12:05:00 AM

you're not alone. keep that "wicked" smile on.. hehehe.. i miss you!

Dindin whispered at Sunday, September 17, 2006 12:07:00 AM

kuya KNEEKO uy! may hidden talent.. singer ka din pala! hehehe...
good luck po sa laban.. balik bola ka na ulit!

Dindin whispered at Sunday, September 17, 2006 12:09:00 AM

J - shucks! buti sana kung nandito ka eh.. hehehe.. pa-wicked-wicked ka pang nalalaman dyan.. batukan kita eh.. hehehe.. jk.. missing you too...

reena whispered at Sunday, September 17, 2006 7:24:00 AM

Hey babe...I wish i cud someday meet you and let you know my life story. And how when I finally deicded to break down, everything when bad. Yes, breaking down does make u feel good ...you feel released. But when you don't let your emotions get the better of you, that's when you are rational. Don't look for anyone to show you the brighter side. It's you who determines the brighter side. And it's God who gives you the strength to achive the brighter side. Pray more and never complain. Coz when you do, it doesn't help. Be strong, keep your head high up and accept all that comes. It's wonderful to know that a young person like you has gone through so much and yet you have managed it. I admire the strenght but dun falter. Il rememeber you in my prayer and take care.

Anonymous whispered at Sunday, September 17, 2006 8:12:00 AM

breaking down and cry is not a wrong things to do dear.. its a way of letting go those burden inside your heart and mind.. its a way of making you feel more relax at the end.. but after that you have look and face the realm of this life.. be strong and thats how we deal in this world..if you dont help urself.. you will be a loser at the end..

-walongbote-

Dindin whispered at Monday, September 18, 2006 12:50:00 AM

REENA - awww... thanks! =) really appreciate it. I'm sure pretty soon we'll end up meeting in person.. again, thank you!

JENIFFER - I just don't know how one actually do that... breakdown and cry, i mean.

Miss Blogger whispered at Monday, September 18, 2006 7:06:00 AM

Be still and listen to what your heart says. You don't know how to break down and cry because it's all bottled up inside you, those emotions that you're told to keep to yourself because you need to be strong...

I've been the strength of the family eversince we lost my brother to leukemia. Then, my mom last year. You know what I do when I know I can't hold on to the emotions overwhelming me? I go to the church, sit down and I talk to Him. I tell Him things that are happening (or have happened) to me and how much I need His help already. Afterwards, I feel light and un-burdened.

Even if you're not a Catholic (are you?), go to a place where you feel most at peace and contemplate. It helps, believe me!

Take care, din-din! I do hope I was able to impart something, hehe :)

Dindin whispered at Tuesday, September 19, 2006 11:38:00 PM

SASHA - una, sorry to hear 'bout your brother and your mom.. pangalawa, maraming salamat po. =)
I used to do that, go to church and just sit there to talk to HIM, kaya lang when I moved here.. parang iba na yung feeling pag-nasa church ako, mag-isa.. hindi na gaya ng dati... parang hindi na "comfort zone".. ewan ko ba.. hehehe.. btw, yup, catholic po ako.. salamats ulit.. Ingat din lage.. =)

Anonymous whispered at Friday, September 22, 2006 3:53:00 PM

hi, din! wow... matagal na tong post na to. am sorry i wasnt here the very moment you feel this way, been busy with so many things really. sana kahit virtual hug lang ay naibigay.

eneweiz, life is so complicated losing one's self doesnt make a difference at all. crying will help but the problem is still there, if there is a problem at all. i remember an old woman by the roadside where we used to eat lunch saying, "The good Lord will not give you problems you cannot handle. Rejoice because you have problems, that means He knows you can deal with them." something to that effect. that time, life for me seemed so much bigger than what an average student feels because of the many predicaments. they made me stronger. am i glad i was given those trials.

be well, hope everything is ok now.

Dindin whispered at Sunday, September 24, 2006 12:19:00 AM

aaawww... thank you po, tita BING.. =)

Anonymous whispered at Friday, September 29, 2006 4:39:00 PM

hmmm.. whatever your problem is, when you feel like crying, cry.. iiyak mong lahat, para pagkatapos noon, you'd feel better (at least physically, kasi wala nang gaanong bigat sa dibdib). this way, you get to think clearer, so you can solve the problem you cried about.. =p

whisper to my ears

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Moniker: [dindin], geri, gerald, gie
Birth date: September 27
Location: Milan, Italy
Religion: Roman Catholic
Astrological Sign: Libra
High School: Canossa College S.P.C., Laguna
College: IIS- Kandinsky -Milan, Italy

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